SAHM ramblings

2006-08-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

almost a year since my last post in here. I am no longer 219 lbs. I made it down below 210 for convention, but then didn't stick to it. I am now about the same as I was before the diet (250ish). I try not to step on the scale much lately.

i don't think i have ever been this out of it or depressed. i go days without cleaning my house or showering. i am neglecting my marriage and kids. my walk with God is a joke, too. why?

why? i cannot give an answer, other than pure laziness. i hate myself, really i do. i want to cry all the time and just eat. i go days without talking to adults. jim comes home, is tired, and goes to bed. my kids are fighting all the time. my house is a pigsty.

do i blog just to complain? what about praises and good stuff?

i just feel so lost. i think about how blessed i am, to know God, have a caring husband, house, healthy and smart kids. yet, i am so unhappy.

2005-08-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I feel pretty blah today. So tired and, well, can't think of a better word than "blah" right now.

I am down to 219 lbs. on the Lindora diet. almost 30 lbs in less than 2 months. yay me! i wish my friends stuck with it. laura, jeannine, lisa all started with me, and none are on it right now. they are also still the same weight. i am down 2 sizes! (yay) and feel great about me. but I am tired. today i haven't eaten enough nor drink enough. that is a huge problem. also, was up late last night, at least i was having fun (wink).

hopefully will be down under 210 before convention. 9 lbs in a month shouldn't be hard with this woe. i am excited!!

2005-07-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

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2005-07-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am on day 14 of this Lindora diet. I am now at 237! 10 lbs. in 14 days. I like that, and I am not very hungry at all. I don't crave the snacks, etc. like I used to with WW.

We had steering retreat this past weekend, and I am excited for MOPS this year. I really like everyone.

My brother was also here yesterday. He is in some real pain. Sherri-Ann is such a wench. I read the emails to her "lovah" (7 years!). Scary stuff. Lord, change her heart.

Everything else...good! I am happy right now. Just wish I liked cleaning, lol! The house is a mess and laundry up to my eyeballs! :) Where is that maid when I need her?

2005-07-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

Lindora diet....hope this works. I have to say it is pretty easy. With a starting weight of 247 (!), it had better work.

Life is good other than that....school started for the girls! Yay! Love it!

Love Laura and Tracy (and Jeannine, too!). Thank you, Lord, for my friends.

Will blog more later....

2005-06-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

It's good that it has been over a month again, right?

Life has been good.....lotsa friends, Jim good, kids great.

I am pretty sad today, though. Jim does this, and I am guilty, too......Spend money like crazy and then have to cut back on everything else when it catches up to us. I was going to go out with friends today, just McD's with kids, but I had to say "no" because we didn't have the funds. We are actually overdrawn right now. He spent close to $400 on groceries last night (probably a months worth). Forget a few outfits for summer for me. Although, I am sure we will get tons for the girls in a few weeks.

I am feeling cabin fever, and now I can't even go out. Last week, Lauren was sick and we had to all stay home. Now it is lack of funds.

We are going to Disneyland on Sunday, and supposed to go to Blue Bayou to eat with friends. Laura told me he told Mike and Josh that "we" were thinking of not going. Huh?! He never mentioned it to me. great....

On another note, my brother and his wife are separated right now. His life sucks now. The kids (mazie) are outa hand and his wife, my lovely sis in law sherri-ann, is a cold fish and is unstable. fun, huh?

sigh....i need to get out. i could go out to the park.

ok, I am back....I left for about 2 hours. I met them at McD's and just brought our lunch. I am glad I went, but Janelle was very cranky. She is tired, and so am I. maybe from 4 hours sleep?

I have been walking with Laura and her friend Amy at 5 am!? and haven't gone to bed at decent hours. need to do that.

OK, I am done. need to clean up my home.

2005-04-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

I really need to realize that I haven't blogged in over a month because it was a good month. I tend to journal only when I feel bad (same with praying, too) and I had some good times. Friends are closer, Jim is closer, the girls were good...

so, even though my blog looks icky, it is only because i blog when i am depressed.

i hope jim doesn't read this...he now knows i blog. gotta change the password, like now! :)

2005-04-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

Birthday? Kinda sucked.....not a really special day.

36. oh so old sounding.

I felt really mean to my kids. Wanted to scream. They were driving me crazy. Why do they do that and why do I feel that way sometimes??

Good thing I celebrated mostly this weekend. I guess that is why Jim forgot it was today. Lauren had to ask him to say happy birthday to me...sigh.

Laundry is still in my closet. I wanna crawl in a hole.

Fat. fat. fat. that's where i'm at.

2005-03-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am having one of those days where I want to give up on it all. I feel like I have no support and I am so angry.

Why am I so angry today? I just want to crawl out of my skin.... hide under my pile of laundry sitting in my closet.

Janelle is in her crib still and it is after 6 pm. I don't want to get her. I don't want to deal with my children.

My other two are at Sara's. I wish they would stay there tonight.

Jim is tutoring, then to Bible Study. He won't be home until late.

I was supposed to take the girls to gymnastics, but I told them that they aren't going there anymore. I quit. Don, the guy in charge of cleaning the gym, told me I had to clean on my own, without Mary. He didn't work with "partners". I told him that I wasn't willing to do that, so he told me he needed to find someone else. grrr....

He made me cry and feel awful.

Also...oh, nevermind.... just a bad day.

Eating way too much junk.

I could go on and on and on

2005-03-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

OK, I feel good. Very domestic. I have 5 kids sitting down to dinner, eating chicken, rice, peas and milk. They are not fighting and are wanting more. ahhhh.....

The laundry is going, house is relatively clean (I say relatively) and it is a warm spring night (windows are open and the fountain can be heard).

There are still things that get to me, but overall, it is a good day.

Wish Jim were getting home earlier. He won't be home before 9pm....probably closer to 10.

2005-03-06T16:53:00.000-08:00

Here it is on a Sunday and I have 7 kiddos here causing chaos. Jim went to do errands...joy. I should've gone to the s-3 class at church. I really wanted to. Why didn't I? I just tried to call Tracy. She went, as Mike told me. I bet other MOPS and friends went, too. Great. Always out of the loop.

If they went to Curves yesterday.,.....boy....

I went walking this morning. Early. To church to hear Josh. It was nice. I found out that he is only doing worship on Sundays. No more Saturday nights. Bummer for my parents.

I need a "do-over" for this weekend. Can I have one??? Please???

Sara spending the night? oh great....... All I can say is that Jim better take them to gymnastics tomorrow.

I am going to pound heads in a minute....everyone is screaming at once and Boomer is barking outside.....

I need a Calgon moment.

At least Jim is on his way home...with a chocolate shake for me.

:)

No rest for the wicked

2005-03-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

Did not walk this morning. Depression?? Want to sleep alot. Want to hide and escape.

My house is a mess. The girls are fighting, and don't want to clean their room.

I look a mess....probably up another 5 lbs. Didn't cook, either, last night. Frozen pizza for girls, popcorn for me. Healthy, huh?

Tonight, it is chicken, noodles, and salad. No ifs.....

I will vacuum and clean bathrooms today, also finish kitchen.

ugh......

2005-03-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

The girls having the same schedule and tracks might not be a good thing. Right now they are fighting so much. And they are only 4 and 6. Can you imagine when they are older, say 9 and 11?? Or 13 and 15?? Yikes and throw Janelle in there.....11, 13, and 15?? We are going to really have to make some rules..

Why am I so lethargic? Sleeping in, taking naps...no exercise whatsoever. I AM going to walk tomorrow. I am going to cook dinner (all week we have either had take-out or frozen dinners...yuck).

I really wish I posted on the MoMay board....instead of just lurking. Why do I do that? I could just jump in, but i am shy. I hate, hate, hate being shy. What am I so afraid of?? I wish I also called more people, had more close friends. Tracy, Laura, Barbie, Donna......even Nancy.

This is therapeutic..blogging.

OH, and Jim bought his truck. Huh?! I don't get him sometimes.

MOPS day

2005-03-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

Just got home from MOPS. I love it there. Went out to lunch, too. Feel very at home with these people.

I have a really bad headache....the kind where you can't even think straight. ugh.

I heard Josh was at Sunday services. bummer....missed worship on Saturday. I should've gone over for a coffee like I wanted to.

Got books at the library yesterday, but they have such a small selection. I need to request beforehand from now on. I got a Marian Keyes book (not the one I wanted) and a Judy Blume one (which might be racier than I had planned..yikes!). Lauren got 7 chapter books. I hope she loves to read, too.....

I think I am going to lie down now....I need a nap. Too bad I have so much housework to do. The laundry is a nightmare and the girls' rooms are disaster areas...ugh.

Book list

2005-02-28T08:49:00.000-08:00

I need to make a book list....

Anything by Elizabeth Berg
Fried Green Tomatoes, Fannie Flagg
Anything by Michael Lee West*
Judy Blume adult fiction
Jennifer Weiner books
Marian Keyes books*
Sophie Kinsella (shopaholic)
Nanny Diaries, Emma McLaughlin
Jane Green

That'll do for now...

Monday morning blues

2005-02-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

I have never done it this way, but will see how it does....

Never did walk this morning. Too tired from Oscars and watching Chicago. I so wanted to get up and walk and start out fresh. Now I am up at 8 am, feeling blah and with tons of work to do today...needing a shower and dealing with all the kids.

I need focus. I need motivation. I need coffee :)

2005-02-27T17:05:00.000-08:00

I wonder why I feel the way I do....:)

I LOVE my house, family....but sometimes I am not happy. I love my church, friends, but sometimes I feel so disconnected.

I am listening to Telecast right now. Why do I care whether Josh is going to stay on at our church or not. Why did I really miss his music last night.....

Lauren is now off-track. She is having a friend spend the night. I need to spend more time with my girls...playing, taking places, etc.

I want to get more active....walk, bike, Curves. I need to. I don't care about the weightloss so much as being more fit, because I want to play with my girls...

2005-02-21T12:24:00.000-08:00

My three girls :)

2005-02-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

Has it really been 8 months since I have blogged in here???? wow.

I have journaled a little on paper, but haven't done it here. hmmm. wonder why. my life is pretty much the same. weight=same 235ish. state of mind=same ... bored, lonely, depressed.

i am making jim go see a counselor at church, due to sexual issues (ie porn/not wanting sex with me). i cannot handle it any more. he is also starting a men's bible study.

i wish i wasn't so sad. i don't want to clean the house, exercise, eat right. i just feel blah.

we have a marriage cruise coming up in april. wonder what that will be like.

oh shit.

i have tried to pray more and work on my spiritual life, but that hasn't worked much either.

am i really depressed? what have i got to complain about? (love life, dh health, my weight, lack of friends............)

oh shit.

2004-06-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

We did actually go to the fireworks on Saturday and it was so much fun. The girls absolutely loved it and it was good to get out.

Jim is so stressed right now and he is so crabby. I am not helping matters, though. I need to be more of a support. Thank you, God, for his job. Thank you for leading him to it and for making it clear that football is done for us. Give him peace and healing.

I am excited about Curves and for MOPS this year. Guide us, oh Lord....You have been so good to us.

Now...on to laundry :)

2004-06-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

Can I say, "another day in paradise??" I am being sarcastic. There is a big fireworks celebration tonight in Menifee Lakes and, of course, Jim said he doesn't really want to because his brain is fried from being gone all day and he is tired. That is my life. Stuck being home because my dh is tired and sore. I am always home. Home with a cranky dh. Cranky kids from not going anywhere.

I guess I could do things on my own, but I want to do things as a family. I want vacations. I want to do the fun things in the city. Just a night out as the 5 of us. But, we are home. again.

I am yelling at the kids too much again. I think it is because we are stir crazy. ugh.

2004-06-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

Well, today I am going to join Curves for Women. Jazzercise is doing nothing for me and I feel so stupid when I go there. Everyone is dressed in cutsie clothes and jumping all over the place. I cannot do all the moves and I hurt all over. Cannot be good for me.

I am also going to shop at Orchards or TJ's more, to eat more healthy. I will try and count points, but definitely eat less junk.

I am concerned about the hours of Curves. not open long enough (6:30-7:30...when will I do it?). they don't have childcare, so either at night or early morning? I will try and find the time, darnit :)

I want to get to a normal weight soon....under 220 is good for me now, then I will work on under 200. whew.. that 235 # is really scaring me. I feel so unhealthy now and with my 3 girls, that isn't good at all.

2004-06-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

OK, I realize how good I have it.

I was reading posts by other women on my board and jim really is a good catch. He was real sweet to me yesterday and would never treat me the way other dh's treat their wives. I feel loved.

the weight thing is still getting to me, but if that is the only thing...I have got it good.

i am tired, tired, tired today.

I love being able to blog! even though I don't do it often, it is very freeing.

2004-06-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

237.5 lbs.

That pretty much says it all, huh? I cannot believe that is what I weigh. I am over depressed about it. I cannot believe it.... I work out at least 3 times/week (hard workout). But I cannot get a handle on this food thing. I eat when i am stressed and when I am lonely. Two things which I am very much lately. I think dh's health is getting to me more than I realize. It stresses me out and it makes me more lonely (he is too tired to do things or sore). I didn't sign up for all this. When I wanted to get married, I wanted a husband who would make love to me; to do things with me; to be happy; to love God with all his heart and soul. Jim doesn't .... I don't see it.

He is also in a foul mood alot, too. Tired and sore will do that to a person. And looking for a new job doesn't help.

I need to be more patient, but I am tired and fat....I feel more like a single mom every day.

Why has it been so long since my last post? wish I knew... too tired and sad? in denial? i try not to think about it....

2004-04-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

ugh....it is "tom", ie, aunt flow is here. i feel so icky and moody.

don't feel like doing anything, including shower, clean, etc. just nothing.

sheesh...my kiddos must love me, and can just imagine what jim thinks of me.

day 2 of bad headache. happy happy joy joy

2004-04-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

Had the greatest chat with Christina H. last night. I really hope she moves up here. I need a good friend, and my girls would be in heaven. I feel that we would grow really close and support one another. She would be sooo close and the girls could be in the same schools...sigh.

I soooo need a shower today. I cannot remember the last time this hair was washed (I have bathed and shaved since, but not my hair). ick ick ick

and those shows (Oprah this week) that shows the bacteria and mites that crawl around the house.......I feel the need to bleach and clean everything in sight! Why do they do that to us??

2004-04-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Last night's ladies event was pretty much a bust. I really don't feel like I belong with those women. Hopefully I will find some new friends at next years' MOPS table. The only one I like is Barbie, and she has older kiddos. Ugh.... hate all these skinny bitches.

Why do I bother with jazzercise? I wanna lose weight, but doing something I hate 3x week is a bit much. oohh..I feel the negativity just flowing from me. think it relates to lack of sleep? i do, too.

i swear if my roses get eaten up again today, there will be a dead dog.

need to call debby and melanie. need to cultivate friendships now!

2004-04-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes. The sun is shining, my house is sparkling clean...I opened windows and have fresh flowers. Very nice. I can hear the fountain in the backyard...ahhh...

Tonight should be fun. I am going over to Christina's with other ladies to eat chocolate and stamp cards. I really hope to get to know them better. I hate being known as the "quiet one". I wish I were more talkative and boisterous, but alas, I am not. God created me this way and I need to deal with it, huh?

OT, sprayed roses with bitter apple. Hope Boomer doesn't eat them anymore. Did we make the wrong move, in adopting Boomer? He is causing nothing but trouble. I guess whenever people have new babies, they say the same thing. He is just a puppy. Hopefully he outgrows it.

Gotta go finish today's reading of "Purposely Driven Life". I like it alot, but not sure I am ready for all it says.

Ciao!

PS: slept in bed last night, not couch.....good move.

2004-04-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Why am I so annoyed with dh tonight? Sometimes I feel resentment towards him and I don't know why. I also feel like I am starting to be a bitter nag and that is something I most definitely don't want. he went grocery shopping tonight, and as always, I am being critical of everything. ick.

Also, why am i going to sleep on the couch tonight? I know I am....he is buggin' me, royally.

OT, I got a cool note from Barbie today that made me smile. Maybe a true friend in the making? Praise God for that.

ahhh...sportcenter on now....love baseball season!

I really should sleep now. I was so tired today and this isn't going to help.

2004-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

So, this is the world of blogging, huh?

I have gotten away from journaling and have so little time, but can catch a few with the 'puter, as it is where the kiddos play.

My world seems so out of focus lately. I am sad, feel lonely and just "blah". I am gaining weight like it is going out of style and don't know why (well, I know why.....eat like a pig because I am bored). I don't have any real friends and since we just moved to this house, don't know anybody around here to talk to.

I feel my husband is just tolerating me and doesn't really love me. We got married because I got pregnant. We never dated/courted and we never had a chance to fall in love. I don't think he finds me desirable (don't blame him there).

Gosh, I am depressing today. I am afraid my kids are going to wind up some horrible, whiny brats because I don't pay enough attention to them and let them do too much.

Oh, I need to stop now before I go crazy.......